Jan 20, 2009

today wasnt good.
my heart nearly exploded.
167 bpm and hurting
i was just chilling and my heart went crazy.
now my thoughts are running like a purse snatcher,
cant write, behind on work, cant think. family torn,
start wondering if its from the cancer?
am i going to see my son again? will he know i love him? 
will you know how i feel about you?
thoughts consume me.
feeding my blood pressure which makes my heart beat accelerate
i give up on it all. no one would care anyway i think.
i lay down wishing i werent here anymore and my phone goes crazy
its you. not a call but just your smile in a pic.

Why I Dont Go to Church…

For years now, I have not gone to church. It started out as I did not feel well, then became I was too tired from working, etc… and now it has became more like “why would i want to go to church?”

Being a divorced man just makes it even more difficult to even fit in. Also, most of the people I know that go to church just play ‘church’. There is nothing that realistically sets them apart from other people at all. Other than the fact that they are more rude and mean to other people than people that do not go to church at all.

Example, ask any waiter or waitress which day of the the week is their least favorite to work. I promise that they will almost every time answer you ‘Sunday’. Sundays are their least favorite day to work because it generally gets busy with people that just left church. And even though they just left a ‘house of worship’, they are generally the worst tippers, usually the most short tempered and obnoxious as well. This is very sad.

I can remember playing in praise and worship bands several years ago and going to other churches to lead worship. It was so FRUSTRATING. Churches are so quick to pass judgement on people. If I were playing in a town where I had friends, I would invite them. Only to witness a ‘body of believers’ belittle my friends for their clothes or lifestyle or any number of things. It was really disheartening. I also remember how many hours it would take to set up and get everything planned out only to be left begging for gas money even to make it home.

I recently have, actually for several years now, been playing in bar bands and it is a shame to say that playing in bars is a better experience than playing in churches. This logically does not sound right because it should not be this way but is in fact, very true. Not just for myself, but for several people I know.

I have literally been sitting with a flat tire after a show in the parking lot of both a bar and a church. The difference is at the church, I was left alone changing my tire in the parking lot after everyone left. And at the bar, I was asked to just go inside and wait and even offered a few drinks while someone I didn’t even know would change my tire.

Also, People in bars do not judge or act better than other people. They actually embrace one another. They have camaraderie. They support one another. While people in churches, backbite. I’ve witnessed pastors even be the worst about it. I worked at a Starbucks for a few years. I remember the employees cringing every time a certain pastor cam in to buy coffee. He was rude. Always short-fused and impatient and never tipped at all. In fact, he would act offended if he were to have to pay full price for a cup of coffee. He was more needy than any Soccer mom or business person ever acted there. It was really disheartening to see this every day. There were so many employees that would say, ‘what church does he work at? Because I never want to go there.’

The reason this is disheartening for me is because I know that I should be in a church. Iron sharpens iron. And as a believer, I should be in fellowship with other believers. It is just so hard to find desire to want to go somewhere because I know So many people. I see people, everywhere I go. And it frustrates me, irritates me, and makes me want to say something even, to know that the people that are the rudest, and most judgmental are the ones I know should not be at all.

I have a hard time focusing on a sermon from a man that i know is more interested in playing politics, than actually doing what is right. I have found words from someone such as Corey Taylor ( really amazing artist in my opinion ) to be more truthful than those that I have heard from behind a pulpit. Children even, have spoken more truth than most pastors that I’ve heard.

There is something about realism that attracts me. Unfortunately, I find more realism outside of a church than I do within it.

One thing I can say is that I also have a huge problem with people complaining about something and never doing anything about it. So as a request to you, if you are reading this, please feel free to invite me to your church. I may like it. I may not. But I do know that I need to find somewhere that I can feel drawn back to my relationship with God at. I’m hoping by writing this, not to offend people but to bring these things to attention. I could literally write a book about things that have happened that have made me lose my faith in the churches today. Instead I’m really looking for one to join. Where people are real. Where they will accept other people. Where I can invite my friends to come.

Sasha Schooled Me

Long day….                 but it put me in my place.

After all day running around fighting trying not get sick, and just allowing circumstances to sit on my mind (like bills, my car, stuff that everyone stresses over for the most part…), I’m feeling rushed to knock stuff out and get started downtown (i was setting up a sound system for an outdoor concert there) and I’m walking across the street to get a drink.

As I’m doing it, I’m stopped by a couple of older ladies listening to the downtown music to be told ‘someone’ wants to say hey to me. It was ‘someone’ I never had spoken to, but they remembered me.

I worked at a Starbucks a few years ago and would open in the morning. There was a van that would come regularly around opening time. It was a van because they needed a wheel chair ramp for their child who was cerebral palsy. Any way, long story short I would often serve them in the drive through on their way to warm springs. The girls name is Sasha. She is 25 years old. She rarely speaks, mostly sits in her chair and looks around.

But in the midst of me feeling frustrated with myself and allowing circumstances to begin to control my mood, Sasha… looked up and smiled at me.

She definitely remembered me because she called me ‘mr coffee’. Here I am, in a foul mood because things aren’t going my way and someone in a wheelchair is schooling me on what it is to be thankful. To appreciate life, people, the small things.

I try to be grateful for what I have but this really put me in my place. Feeling pretty much like a douche right about now as I’m thinking about so many things I’ve just taken for granted.

— feeling Schooled.